In my twenties...

My Friends are Moving Ahead in Life

These days, it feels like everyone in my life has been taking big steps: buying their first homes, getting engaged (and married)! So far, not many people have had kids, but I'm sure that's on the way too.

I'm not quite there yet, but it makes me wonder about a lot of questions. The first one: How do you know if you actually love someone? It's hard for me to separate true love from toxic connection. I think in earlier relationships, we were really attached in an unhealthy way - I didn't have space to be myself or pursue my own interests and hobbies. As a result, I became unhappy and critical. I also wasn't able to grow as an indivudal or explore all the different ways my identity wanted to evolve. In a loving relationship, paradoxically to me, it seems like they aren't really the thing that my entire life revolves around day to day, but rather it's an important pillar in my support system (and vice versa). In popular media, it seems like a loving couple should spend all their time together and always want to be together and do everything together. So that's a weird experience.

Another thing I wonder about: are people settling or they're really all meeting their ideal partners? Is settling, as we call it, really that bad? As a kid, I feel like you hold out a lot of hope that one day, you'll meet the "perfect" partner who matches you in every single way and checks all your boxes. But as you get older and actually start to talk to people, it's quick to realize that not everyone is perfect - in fact, nobody is! So in that sense, I guess everyone is settling. For example, if I feel safe, secure, and happy, maybe it's not quite so important if my partner isn't really tall or doesn't have exciting hobbies. It feels a bit like a failure in some way, to give up on the most perfect person in my mind, but at the same time, beating and working through the imperfections make a relationship feel like a hard earned success.

Also how do you know you want to spend "forever" with someone? How do you separate the honeymoon phase or complacency from a true desire? How do you know you won't change your mind later? I remember for example, as a much younger person, announcing (to multiple boyfriends) that I thought they were "the one" despite not even liking them all that much. I think my mindset towards relationships means that I'd want each one to be "the one". So how do you know for real? I guess in my most recently failed relationship, I distinctly had thoughts (especially towards the end) that there was no way I could spend the rest of my life dealing with all the issues and problematic daily dynamic that we had. So that was a strong no, but how do you weed out situations that are "ok but could be better"? I guess it's just like the settling question. When is it good enough or when could it be significantly better? It's hard to tell without the pain of experiencing so many lives and relationships.

Right now I'm 23 years, 6 months old, and life is good?

Recently, I've had to deal with some setbacks - I was trying to move to New York, but the team transfers I applied to at work didn't work out. But still, I'm grateful for the life I have these days:

Moving to a new city (SF) was hard, and I also spent most of my early 20s in a serial dating haze. I didn't put a lot of time into developing my own identity, friendships, or hobbies. Even though I failed to set myself up for an NYC move this time, it doesn't hurt to slow down and enjoy the life I have here at home~

Towards the end of 2024, I had been pretty sad: I didn't have many friends where I lived, and there wasn't a lot to look forward to. Since then, things have gotten a lot better! I really like to play volleyball, and made friends doing to. I'm also starting to play the piano again, and enjoying spending time outdoors. Life feels busy nowdays - almost too busy - but I'm very glad that I spend each day doing something that feels fun and exciting to me.

One thing I've struggled a lot with is adapting the new social environment where people are always coming and going. In my hometown, people don't really move away, and my friends are the same people who've been around me for my whole life. In San Francisco, I've been so lucky to meet people from all around the world! I have friends from Taiwan, Paris, Vietnam, and Kazakhstan, to name a few. But it's definitely more transient - people are here for now but not forever (just like me), and always moving on the next chapter of their life. It's definitely different from what I'm used to, but it's so cool to have friends with roots all around the world.

I'm very glad that I learned how to be on my own and to appreciate having indepdence! It enables me to follow my dreams and do what I want. I struggle a lot with sheeple syndrome but I can actually do my own hobbies and relax on alone at least. SF is a really pretty city, and it's easy to feel a sense of whimsy and romanticism just doing little things, like walking to the grocery store, or having a sunny reading session in the park. I miss home all the time, but if I have to be honest, the lifestyle of city living is growing on me.